With the Fourth of July coming up, millions of Americans are preparing to celebrate with events and gatherings centered around the day in history we, as a nation, declared our independence. With these celebrations comes the need for lavish displays of food and drink set upon tables dressed in red, white, and blue, with “Old Glory” proudly displayed as far as the eye can see. Planning what to serve at an Independence Day soiree is simple. Got the good old American hamburgers? Check. How about the hot dogs? Check. The president’s hair? Whoa wait…what?
Yes. It is true. President Donald Trump’s hair is now available conveniently packaged in 32-ounce plastic tubs for your political pleasure. Well, it’s not actually his hair, but a close facsimile of it in the form of Buttercorn hued, butterscotch flavored cotton candy. This sweet, fluffy delight is available to the general public courtesy of Chocolate Storybook, a candy company known for delectable handmade chocolates and unique gifts. Their goal is to “make candy great again” by offering both Republicans and Democrats 1.2-ounces of cotton candy that looks amazingly similar to Trump’s iconic mane and most assuredly tastes better. It’s the only way to get a piece of the president’s hair without being tackled and hauled away by Secret Service.
This novel new confection is becoming so popular it will most likely spawn an investigation by Mueller under the code name “Cotton Candy Crossfire,” to determine if Trump’s hair sold in plastic cotton candy containers across the USA is a collusion between the candy industry and the president’s future campaign efforts. If this occurs, like every political controversy, it will spin in the news media like hot sugar in a cotton candy machine and come out full of fluff, and subsequently spark an investigation to investigate the investigators.
Rest assured, there is no collusion between the candy industry and Mr. Trump’s hair and Americans are free to purchase this Buttercorn cotton candy coif in a can from Candy warehouse just in time for July 4th. No matter which wing you fly with, right or left, this candy will be a hit of the party that only fireworks can trump!